Thoughts from a ferry..

I have just been writing an article for Reiki Rays about my beliefs on having ‘expectations’ in Reiki.  It got me thinking about my thoughts on having ‘expectations’ in or of anything… 
 
Expectation is definitely a tricky one for me. Yes, I can clearly explain my understanding as to why it is advisable not to place expectation on a Reiki Practice - but then I started thinking about the number of times I place expectation on other things in my life.
 
For me the simple equation of Expectation is: Expectation = Disappointment, as inevitably if our expectations aren’t met in life, we get disappointed.  I use the plural “we” but maybe I should use the more appropriate “I”, as I know that the equation I refer to is a deeply rooted belief in me, and one that continues to play out time and time again.
 
Sometimes it’s on a subtle level but other times the potency of disappointment felt in my body is one that triggers on a much deeper level.
 
I am typing this on the ferry on the way back from a week’s holiday in France. In all honesty, I thought typing may distract me from my ever increasing awareness of feeling sea sick. I’m happy to say that at this stage it is working but for how long, I shall have to see.
 
My point in mentioning my location is that I have just met one of my many ‘expectations’ on holiday, that being: if I’m on holiday in a foreign country it will be sunny. Of course, my levelheaded thinking knows that this is not necessarily true (and frankly, does it matter!), yet I noticed I was still disappointed each day when I pulled across the curtain and was met with cloud instead of sun.

Perhaps the main difference now is that I can ‘notice’ the pattern a lot more than I used to, but it is most definitely still there. I would like to be able to claim that leaning into my gratitude at actually being able to have a holiday negated the disappointment that I felt - but I would be lying.  What is underneath this?
 
The same goes with my awareness of the countless times I expected my family to act in a certain way on holiday, with the inevitable truth that of course they will act in the way that suits them and not me.

Perhaps in writing this, I can now own a little of that projection and look towards myself in this place of mumbling disapprovals under my breath and instead ask myself; ‘why am I reacting this way?’ rather than trying to change them.  

I take a breath with this realisation and pause as i try to access the seed of self-compassion,  as i am acutely aware that this is an area not 'fixed' with one blog entry but definitely an area of ‘work in progress’.